Children of gay parents bear heavy burdens, says writer

By Kris Turner
NLGJA Reporter Staff Writer

Being in a queer family isn’t easy.

Abigail Garner, raised by her mom and two dads, says the pressure is on to be a “golden child” and live up the expectations of straight society.

“The message is sent that children need to be perfect,” she said. “If they are not perfect, then they need to step back in my family closet.”

Images of gay families in the media, while positive, aren’t always helpful in creating an accurate picture of what a household really looks like. Not everyone can be an all-star student and involved in lots of extracurricular activities, Garner said.

“When there is a profile on a child who has lesbian parents and they have a 4.0 and are the captain of the volleyball team, that says they are a living image of perfectionism,” she said. “Therefore, gay people are raising exceptional children.”

Garner wants the media to review how they handle stories about gay families. Children see these stories and might feel like a failure, she added.

“I want journalists to be thinking about how the coverage of LGBT families fits into the larger context of how these families are portrayed,” she said. “Those images are very important. Anything other than those positive images is perceived as homophobic.”

After talking with other people who have gay parents, Garner fashioned their stories into a book called “Families Like Mine.” She will share this collection of experiences today during a panel discussion at 4 p.m. in Americana Ballroom 2.

Writing the book was therapeutic for Garner, who released fears she had held on to since childhood.

“It completely influenced my need to be outspoken,” she said. “What parents want to believe is different from what their children are experiencing. Many parents thought this was a non-issue because their children were not talking about it. They are surprised their children have so much to say.

“There were so many times when I was hurt by comments that people were making. It’s only through writing about it that my parents have learned about those fears.”

As a child, Garner said she thought if something went wrong with her family, there would be severe consequences, thus cementing the idea that gay families must be better in her young mind.

“I didn’t know there was another reality (other than the one I was living in),” she said.

“How could I say to my dads that I thought a man in a three-piece suit was going to come and take me away?

“In order to show love and support to our parents, we choose not to tell them we are facing these challenges.”

To foster a healthier mentality for children with gay parents, Garner says changes must be made within the mainstream media and at home. Parents need to ask their children how they are feeling and if there are any issues they need to discuss.

“The bar is set high for queer parents,” she said. “The success of the parents is dependent on the success of the children. The people who are affected the most are the children.”

Closing Plenary
“LGBT Families and the Media”
4-5:15 p.m.
Americana Ballroom, Salon 2